I now realize Ethan got to experience something that is increasingly rare for kids: what it’s like to just plain screw up. Our youngsters have been called a “failure-deprived generation”—famously blamed on helicopter parents, lawn-mower parents, snowplow parents, and other heavy-machinery types who swoop in to bawl out coaches and wheedle better grades. Jessica Lahey, the author of The Gift of Failure ($5; amazon.com), has been an English teacher for 20 years and has watched her students become increasingly uncomfortable with taking risks. Lahey says this avoidance can be fostered by parents with even the best intentions: “It’s painful to watch your child stumble. You want to show your love by making a problem instantly better. But we need to look beyond the immediate emergency and take a longer view: ‘How can this help my kid grow from life’s many setbacks while I’m here to help?’” In fact, failing is essential to a well-lived life, note a growing number of education leaders. Mistakes reside in a great neighborhood—on the corner of Learning and Pushing One’s Limits. Being comfortable faltering and getting back up are essential to building resilience. “We don’t rejoice in easy victories. If you recover from failure, you learn something about yourself. You are tougher than you thought. Or more hardworking. That’s how confidence is built,” says Rachel Simmons, the author of Enough as She Is: How to Help Girls Move Beyond Impossible Standards of Success to Live Healthy, Happy, and Fulfilling Lives ($16; amazon.com). As a leadership development specialist at Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts, Simmons helped develop Failing Well, a workshop series that included having professors and students publicly air their rejection letters and biggest screwups. Last year, Columbia University’s Teachers College established the Education for Persistence and Innovation Center, dedicated to studying the role of failure in learning and innovation. A 2016 study by the center’s director, Xiaodong Lin-Siegler, PhD, showed that students in low-income high schools who learned about the struggles and failed experiments of scientists like Marie Curie saw their own science grades improve. They see that intelligence is not something you are born with but something you gain through effort and, yes, error. “Students realize that success requires a journey with failures along the way,” says Lin-Siegler. Of course, you don’t want to just throw your kid to the wolves. (“Good luck with choosing a college! Bye!”) Experts say the sweet spot of failure often lies just outside children’s comfort zones, where they have the chance to learn something that will serve them well in the future—running for a student council seat but losing, for example. “Emphasize to them that failures are proof you are pushing yourself to do something hard. If you are not making mistakes, you are probably not challenging yourself,” says Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do ($12; amazon.com). Ready to raise your own little failures? Here’s where to begin. Stepping back may mean examining your own attitudes, says Morin. “You feel guilty if you don’t run to school with the left-behind soccer gear. You may see your child’s failures as a reflection of your parenting. To cool down, it can help to write a list: What are three things my child could learn from this? Seeing the logic on paper can bring you back to reality.” However much it helps them grow, messing up hurts. Validate their discomfort, say experts. “We need to sit with them with those difficult emotions. Having parents take their feelings seriously is gold for kids—it is often what they want most. And they will learn that bad feelings are not going to destroy you,” says Simmons. Use active listening by repeating the gist of what they are saying: “Wow, that is rough! You must feel so angry right now.” And encourage them to practice self-compassion—being kind to themselves when they falter. “If [name a best friend] were feeling bad, what would you say to them right now?” you can ask. When you help them through the emotional sting, they feel capable of trying again. Tish Biesemeyer, mother of Olympic skier Tommy Biesemeyer (famous for enduring and overcoming serious injuries), took this approach: “He started skiing when he was 3 years old using cut-down skis in our backyard. By the time he was 12, he was competing against older kids. He would get so mad at himself if he lost a race, but he was determined. I would tell him, ‘Just getting pissed off isn’t going to do it. How about you talk to your coaches about how to fix it?’” She credits his early experiences in resilience for his ability to withstand making the Olympic team in 2018, only to have to miss competing due to a last-minute injury. And he’s racing again: “Tommy has had to claw for everything he’s achieved. His setbacks have just made him dig deeper,” she says. You can also discuss the struggles of their heroes—a favorite athlete who wasn’t picked until the final draft, say. J.K. Rowling famously lived through Harry Potter getting rejected by “loads” of publishers. In a commencement speech, Rowling told an audience of Harvard grads, “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all. In which case you fail by default.” Goosebumps. It’s never too late: Out of love, you may have spent years running interference. If you catch yourself filling out the learner’s permit form for your teen driver, be direct. Advises Lahey: “Tell him, ‘I’m sorry I have not been treating you like the competent person you are. I’m here for you if you need me. But I think you can do it.’” Consider your parenting lapse just one more chance to model making mistakes and growing from them. After all, it’s a lifelong process.
